Blast from the Past

Phillip is at work, so I am positive he won't discover this post for a while.  A few weeks ago we went to Florence to visit his family for the day.  I had been wanting to take a gander at Phillip as a little one.  His mom was nice enough to bring over some pictures and scan them for me.  I got so many laughs.  I am missing a few that really cracked me up of Phillip and Lee, his cousin.  However, here is a sample.  (I am debating posting some of these on facebook.  Evil, I know.)

This is Phillip with his mom's father.  He speaks of him often.  I am only sorry that I never had the privilege of knowing him.  

Lee, Papa, and Phillip

Sadly, Phillip has never been good at sharing.  I'm not even sure this was his.  I think he just liked taking things from Lee.  

According to Mama Harris, this was one of Phillip's favorite toys as a tyke!

This picture is blurry, but so funny.  His mom said that somehow ice fell down his pants.  This is his reaction.

It's dark, but this is Phillip with Nicki and Jeff when they were little.

The boy has some hair.  A lot of hair.

Sometimes it can be kinda crazy hair.

At least he seemed to be a happy little one.

He still sleeps like this, except now his hand ends up over my face.  During a dream one time he ended up punching me in the ear.  That was fun.  Haha.  

Hope you all enjoyed these as much as I did!

I never liked amusement parks...

especially not the roller coasters.  Unless I am in control of a situation, it has never settled easily with this Type-A personality.  This past month was one heck of a roller coaster.  Here's the short version:

About two weeks after our last appointment, I had to go back to the doctor.  Something wasn't right.  I was having insanely sharp stabbing pains on my right side.  I wanted to make sure that nothing was terribly wrong.  A few hours and one ultrasound later, I walk out with hemorrhagic ovarian cysts on not one but both ovaries.  Now I am all about "staying calm and keep going," but this visit had me a little worried for a few reasons:
1) Ovarian cysts, of any size, typically hurt.  If they rupture it's bad new bears for all involved (especially potential kiddos).  The doctor normally gives me a hormone that makes them shrink, but you can't take hormones when you don't know if you are expecting or not.
2) I babysit several times a week.  If you now anything about little people, you are aware that they believe anything larger than their wee-little bodies is an operable jungle gym.  This means at any given time I have at least two children jumping with or on me.  I love this, but it's dangerous when cysts get to a certain point...I was well past that point.
3) The doctor told me that the clomid probably caused both cysts, but that there was also a good chance that I ovulated out of both ovaries.  Holy multiple babies Batman...I mean Doc!  (Insert panic/excitement here.)

We continued on about life.  Granted, I was quite foolish this time.  I thought that since there was a chance for twins, that meant there was a really great chance for at least one baby!  Right?  Simple logic.  My hopes were WAY up high in the air. I even went as far as to pick out how I would tell my wonderful husband when I had a positive test.  (I know, I know...bad idea.)  However, it's odd how circumstances on a dark, stormy night can become so clear and optimistic with one little ray of light.

After taking quite a few tests on several different days, I had my moment...my complete and total breakdown moment.  I finally told Phillip that they were all negative.  As usual, Phillip swoops in with a hug and says, "Maybe next time."  Ok, maybe God has us together for a reason because this man is the epitome of an eternal optimist.  I have not one optimistic bone in my body...not one.  (I'm willing to submit an x-ray for proof.)  Once again, we are back at square one.  Lesson learned: no more planning for something that hasn't happened yet.

We decided to take a month off of this whole process, the stress, the drugs, etc.  It's a lot.  My body, physically speaking, lays siege to everything near and dear.  It's quite torturous...I'd imagine what morning sickness is like except it lasts all day and then add a lot of cramping and bloating along with that just for fun.  Emotionally, it's hell.  There's nothing else that can possibly describe it.  Aside from the typical "what if" questioning, the uncertainties are compounded with the knowledge that nothing is in your control.  I would (and did on several occasions) start crying at ABSOLUTELY nothing.  This is one of the most infuriating parts about it all.  I loathe being the little damsel in distress.  Which, in turn, means that I detest crying.  How weak does that make me look?  But crying over a missing bowl in the kitchen???  Hello!  Crazy woman clean-up on Aisle 1!  I mean come on.  (The bowl was in the dish washer, for all of you concerned readers.)

So here we sit.  I am actually excited about having a month for just us.  We need it.  Phillip isn't ready to talk about adoption, he thinks this will happen for us.  I am at a place where I want to limit the cycles of clomid because I can't handle it all anymore.  I had to go to the doctor (PCP) this past week because I am sick as a dog.  He asked about medicines, so Phillip explained everything to him.  He is a fun guy.  Phillip likes to talk about hunting with him.  He said, "Let me give you a little bit of advice.  Your body is in freak out mode.  So stop.  (I wanted to slap him here.)  It's doing the same thing it'd do if you were lost in the jungle starving to death: stressing.  When you are stressed things don't do their job.  So relax."  Ok, so he has a point.  I am in stress mode, but HELLO I've been driving in this gear for 26 years now!!!  How can I just jump from rabbit to turtle mode?  (Do you guys remember the old lawn mowers that had those as the speeds?  My Dad had one...haha.)  This month will be my attempt at relaxing.  Mind you, I did not say optimism.  Just relaxation.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

Prayer Requests:
1) Health - Today is the first day in a week that I have not had a fever.  So far, it is also been the first day I have able to hold down food on my own.  We spent Saturday at the hospital hooked up to IV bags and getting CT scans.  I'm finally starting to be a little more coherent.  I think in a few more days, I'll be doing good.
2) Sleep - Poor Phillip has been up with me a lot.  I know what sleep he has been able to get probably hasn't been decent.  I hope he can catch up this week.
3) Relaxation - Maybe I can take lessons from Phillip.  I just hope we can just enjoy each other's company this month and focus on something else besides what has been going on.
4) Our little bean - However it is he/she comes to us, that we will be godly parents that will reflect the Lord's love in our relationship with one another and with our children.

Sorry this post isn't the greatest.  I've been insanely sick this week, but I wanted to update before I went to bed.  Thanks for praying for us.  We truly love you all.  (Feel free to send your tips for relaxing!  Where do you go/what do you do?)

Saturday Excursions

Phillip's work schedule has him settling into a new sleeping pattern.  One that leaves us with limited time to do things together.  He gets home every morning around 5:30, so he sleeps from 7ish to early/mid afternoon.

The same was true on Saturday.  I grow bored easily, so I called my parents to see if they were up to anything.  I really had an itch for fresh veggies.  So I asked if they wanted to go to McLeod Farms with us.  I ran and woke Phillip from his slumber.

We left and headed on down to SC.  We had a great lunch/dinner at a local restaurant.  We toured the museum down there.  It would be heaven for the American Pickers (we are addicted to all of the dorky shows on the History Channel).  We bought a half bushel of peaches, squash, cucumbers, and fresh blackberries.  Oh how I love summer!

My mom asked if we wanted to go to Santee.  Now, Santee is no where near McLeod Farms.  So we headed out across the middle of nowhere.  Now, I love South Carolina.  I do not like their RIDICULOUS drivers and road construction.  We passed a sign that said, "Road Construction Next 22 Miles = 25 mph."  WHAT?!  Are you kidding me?  Twenty some odd miles at 25 miles an hour.  I am sure people on the Oregon Trail got to go faster (I know my little buffalo in elementary school scurried across the screen faster than 25 mph). 

FINALLY, two and a half hours later we made it to the lake, looked around, got bitten by the state bird of South Carolina (mosquitoes), and experienced the smell of catfish.  Then headed home.  All of that fuss for not much of anything.  It was nice to spend time with my parents.  We definitely all laughed a lot...a whole lot.

Sorry - no pics.  I left the house in a rush and forgot our camera.

Rainy Creativity

During the week I spend a couple of hours nannying for a few hours.  I was due to take Taylor, the two year old, to her swim lessons.  Her instructor was due to meet us at her grandparents' house just a few minutes away.  So we pile in the stroller and I hike on up the hill. 

We get there, she is ready to go, and the instructor begins the lesson.  Her mom had looked at the weather before we left the house, the storms were still a good ways off...or so we thought.  Less than 10 minutes into the lesson we see a flash of lightning.  OUT we go!  The instructor almost immediately leaves.  I can't carry a sopping wet two year old on a 15 minute stroller ride, so I dry her off and put some clean clothes on.  No sooner did we get this accomplished than the bottom decided to drop out.  Like raining cats and dogs...and even some bunnies. 

So we seek shelter under one of the breezeway arches.  I had brought my lunch of an apple and pretzels.  I also brought Taylor's drink for the ride home.  I called her mom (who was just around the corner at the grocery store) and asked her to stop by and pick us up on the way home.  She said she was halfway through.  I said, "No biggie.  We're just hanging out!"  So I break out the pretzels and her drink.  This buys me approximately 20 minutes.  That's pretty good with a 2 year old. 

We grow bored with that, her mom calls and says she is stuck in the grocery store (there is also a newborn in this household) because she doesn't want to take the baby out to the car in the rain.  Understandable, we're having fun anyway.  We began a chorus of "Rain Rain Go Away" (despite needing it around here...I secretly apologized while singing this one), "The Itsy Bitsy Spider", etc.  We made a "rain guard wall" out of pool noodles.  This did nothing but get us soaking wet.  We caught raindrops from the ivy.  We twirled in the rain like helicopters.  Last, but not least, we used a broom and water from a puddle to write our letters on the stone pavers under the breezeway. 

It's amazing what you can come up with when forced to get creative.  I'd live that day over again anytime!

Weekends and Transitions

As previously posted, we got to keep Gavin this weekend.  I always wondered why my friends with children never went anywhere.  I know why.  It takes forever just to get into and out of a car.  We ventured to the post office, grocery store, and my parents' house on Saturday.  After being gone for two hours, we came straight back home and never left again.  We had such a good time with Gavin.  He has the most contagious smile (we're talking ear to ear)!

Typically, we would have made it to church but Gavin decided to sleep in (10:15) and Phillip's work schedule changed this weekend (effective until Labor Day weekend).  What does this mean, you might ask?  It means that he leaves the house at 6:15 PM on Sunday and returns around 5:45/6 AM on Monday.  This schedule gets repeated from Sunday through Thursday (Friday AM) unless he works on Saturday.  I am thankful for a husband that does so much to support us financially while still being there for me emotionally and spiritually.  I have so many friends that have already experienced the detrimental impact of disconnectedness, infidelity, and even divorce.  So, thank you Phillip for being such a committed husband!

I read a blog tonight about a young woman that dealt with infertility.  She was a guest writer on the blog, but she offered a few nuggets of advice for Christian women struggling with infertility:
1.  I want you to hear and believe me when I say this: God is in control.
2.  Pray for the child you are longing for.
3.  Allow yourself to hurt.
4.  Spend time becoming the parents you hope to be.

I cannot tell you how much of a proverbial slap in the face #2 was to me when I first read it.  OF COURSE!  Pray for our little blessing!  We pray for the faith to continue, for healing, for guidance, for...the list goes on.  Never, and I feel quite foolish admitting this, have we ventured into praying for our little blessing.

There are so many things to be grateful for right now, but I seem to lose sight of that every 5 minutes.  I am continually thankful for the friends and family that are making this journey with us.  Your prayers mean more with each passing day.

Prayer requests for this week:
1.  Our little blessing.  That we will be the parents the Lord wants us to be and continually reflect His patience and love in all situations.
2.  I had to return to the doctor this past Friday due to some pretty substantial lingering pain over the past week.  I have hemorrhagic cysts on both ovaries.  Healing would be wonderful as I would prefer to 1) avoid taking any other hormones/medication and 2) avoid a hospital visit all together (I don't cry when I am in pain, but my vitals go all over the place so the doctors always pop my tail into a bed for a few days). 
3.  Ease with transitioning shifts for Phillip.  The sleep schedule is just brutal.  He's been feeling poorly this weekend due to heat exhaustion.  So, fingers crossed for a better week!