We intend for our blog to take a slightly different path than the "superficial" one we've been traveling on these past few years. We will continue to post about our adventures with our pups, traveling, and families. However, we also want to begin sharing some news and prayer requests on here. There are currently a handful of people that are aware of our situation, but we want to keep as much of this between close personal friends as possible. We thank you all in advance for your faithful companionship and your diligent prayers. We know God is working behind the scenes. Here's our story...
A little over a year ago we took our first steps towards beginning a family. We decided that since I was still in graduate school, the situation could play out in any manner and it would essentially fit our schedule. We were so excited about the prospects (and we still are, in a different way).
To make a very long story short, we have spent the past year and a half trying to conceive. Much to our dismay and disappointment it has yet to happen. We were not aware of this at the onset of this expedition, but apparently after a couple has spent a year attempting to conceive and their efforts prove futile that couple is labeled "infertile." (There's a word you never want to hear!) Thus began our heart wrenching path down this roller coaster called Infertility. Anyone that truly knows me can attest to me complete infatuation and adoration when it comes to children. I think their innocence and zeal for life is intoxicating. Often times, I look at them and wish to have their same faith. Phillip is wonderful with children. Seeing him with our nieces makes my heart smile. He's such a loving person. With the utterance of "infertile" many of those dreams were crushed.
We were aware that something was awry. Most couples are able to conceive within 6 months. I promised to be honest if I announced this, so here goes... I became very depressed about the whole situation. I never thought I would have my faith tested the way that it has been. Honestly, for a long while, I stopped praying (and still at times find it difficult). How do you pray when you can't conjure the words? How do you pray when you feel so guilty about being bitter towards God? How do you pray for something you want so badly knowing that if you leave it in the Lord's hands and He says "no" then your life will never be the same? The questions began to drown my thoughts.
I never let Phillip come with me to appointments, but at my last one I told him that I couldn't do it alone anymore (and he never expected me to, but my refusal prevented his previous presence). He came with me and the doctor spoke to both of us quite candidly.
Dr. Sal (LOVE her) explained to Phillip that I have two different "diseases" so to speak. Given one of these alone we could conceive without intervention, but it would take much longer. Since I have both, conception alone is impossible. I had been diagnosed with Adenomyosis when I was in college, but at that time all it meant to me was that I had severe pain. During and after college, I was hospitalized with ovarian cysts on several occasions. I have since been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Essentially, my 26 year old body keeps trying to kick me into menopause. Nice right? (Phillip likes the hot flashes, he gets to keep the house on 65!)
She gave us the option of trying one more round of fertility drugs, but if this did not work we had to go to the local fertility specialist here in Charlotte. We just completed that last round of drugs. Now we're holding out a little bit of hope for what could happen next.
We have no idea what the Lord has in store for us. We are both trying to remember that this has happened for a reason. We will attest that it has made our marriage stronger than we ever imagined possible. I have a husband that gets up with me when I am sick at night, comforts me when I'm distraught and in tears, makes me laugh when I can't find anything to be joyous about, and most of all constantly reminds me that God has an ultimate plan for us and our desire to be parents. I have felt incredibly guilty about everything (despite having no control over the situation), but Phillip has been so diligent in his support and love.
We would love it if you would just keep us in your prayers. Our next appointment is at the end of July. We want the Lord to have His will in our lives. We know that He will use us in a way that will surpass all of our expectations. Phillip and I thank you in advance for all of your support. (Mason and Gracie do too...they can't wait for more family!)
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