Blast from the Past

Phillip is at work, so I am positive he won't discover this post for a while.  A few weeks ago we went to Florence to visit his family for the day.  I had been wanting to take a gander at Phillip as a little one.  His mom was nice enough to bring over some pictures and scan them for me.  I got so many laughs.  I am missing a few that really cracked me up of Phillip and Lee, his cousin.  However, here is a sample.  (I am debating posting some of these on facebook.  Evil, I know.)

This is Phillip with his mom's father.  He speaks of him often.  I am only sorry that I never had the privilege of knowing him.  

Lee, Papa, and Phillip

Sadly, Phillip has never been good at sharing.  I'm not even sure this was his.  I think he just liked taking things from Lee.  

According to Mama Harris, this was one of Phillip's favorite toys as a tyke!

This picture is blurry, but so funny.  His mom said that somehow ice fell down his pants.  This is his reaction.

It's dark, but this is Phillip with Nicki and Jeff when they were little.

The boy has some hair.  A lot of hair.

Sometimes it can be kinda crazy hair.

At least he seemed to be a happy little one.

He still sleeps like this, except now his hand ends up over my face.  During a dream one time he ended up punching me in the ear.  That was fun.  Haha.  

Hope you all enjoyed these as much as I did!

I never liked amusement parks...

especially not the roller coasters.  Unless I am in control of a situation, it has never settled easily with this Type-A personality.  This past month was one heck of a roller coaster.  Here's the short version:

About two weeks after our last appointment, I had to go back to the doctor.  Something wasn't right.  I was having insanely sharp stabbing pains on my right side.  I wanted to make sure that nothing was terribly wrong.  A few hours and one ultrasound later, I walk out with hemorrhagic ovarian cysts on not one but both ovaries.  Now I am all about "staying calm and keep going," but this visit had me a little worried for a few reasons:
1) Ovarian cysts, of any size, typically hurt.  If they rupture it's bad new bears for all involved (especially potential kiddos).  The doctor normally gives me a hormone that makes them shrink, but you can't take hormones when you don't know if you are expecting or not.
2) I babysit several times a week.  If you now anything about little people, you are aware that they believe anything larger than their wee-little bodies is an operable jungle gym.  This means at any given time I have at least two children jumping with or on me.  I love this, but it's dangerous when cysts get to a certain point...I was well past that point.
3) The doctor told me that the clomid probably caused both cysts, but that there was also a good chance that I ovulated out of both ovaries.  Holy multiple babies Batman...I mean Doc!  (Insert panic/excitement here.)

We continued on about life.  Granted, I was quite foolish this time.  I thought that since there was a chance for twins, that meant there was a really great chance for at least one baby!  Right?  Simple logic.  My hopes were WAY up high in the air. I even went as far as to pick out how I would tell my wonderful husband when I had a positive test.  (I know, I know...bad idea.)  However, it's odd how circumstances on a dark, stormy night can become so clear and optimistic with one little ray of light.

After taking quite a few tests on several different days, I had my moment...my complete and total breakdown moment.  I finally told Phillip that they were all negative.  As usual, Phillip swoops in with a hug and says, "Maybe next time."  Ok, maybe God has us together for a reason because this man is the epitome of an eternal optimist.  I have not one optimistic bone in my body...not one.  (I'm willing to submit an x-ray for proof.)  Once again, we are back at square one.  Lesson learned: no more planning for something that hasn't happened yet.

We decided to take a month off of this whole process, the stress, the drugs, etc.  It's a lot.  My body, physically speaking, lays siege to everything near and dear.  It's quite torturous...I'd imagine what morning sickness is like except it lasts all day and then add a lot of cramping and bloating along with that just for fun.  Emotionally, it's hell.  There's nothing else that can possibly describe it.  Aside from the typical "what if" questioning, the uncertainties are compounded with the knowledge that nothing is in your control.  I would (and did on several occasions) start crying at ABSOLUTELY nothing.  This is one of the most infuriating parts about it all.  I loathe being the little damsel in distress.  Which, in turn, means that I detest crying.  How weak does that make me look?  But crying over a missing bowl in the kitchen???  Hello!  Crazy woman clean-up on Aisle 1!  I mean come on.  (The bowl was in the dish washer, for all of you concerned readers.)

So here we sit.  I am actually excited about having a month for just us.  We need it.  Phillip isn't ready to talk about adoption, he thinks this will happen for us.  I am at a place where I want to limit the cycles of clomid because I can't handle it all anymore.  I had to go to the doctor (PCP) this past week because I am sick as a dog.  He asked about medicines, so Phillip explained everything to him.  He is a fun guy.  Phillip likes to talk about hunting with him.  He said, "Let me give you a little bit of advice.  Your body is in freak out mode.  So stop.  (I wanted to slap him here.)  It's doing the same thing it'd do if you were lost in the jungle starving to death: stressing.  When you are stressed things don't do their job.  So relax."  Ok, so he has a point.  I am in stress mode, but HELLO I've been driving in this gear for 26 years now!!!  How can I just jump from rabbit to turtle mode?  (Do you guys remember the old lawn mowers that had those as the speeds?  My Dad had one...haha.)  This month will be my attempt at relaxing.  Mind you, I did not say optimism.  Just relaxation.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

Prayer Requests:
1) Health - Today is the first day in a week that I have not had a fever.  So far, it is also been the first day I have able to hold down food on my own.  We spent Saturday at the hospital hooked up to IV bags and getting CT scans.  I'm finally starting to be a little more coherent.  I think in a few more days, I'll be doing good.
2) Sleep - Poor Phillip has been up with me a lot.  I know what sleep he has been able to get probably hasn't been decent.  I hope he can catch up this week.
3) Relaxation - Maybe I can take lessons from Phillip.  I just hope we can just enjoy each other's company this month and focus on something else besides what has been going on.
4) Our little bean - However it is he/she comes to us, that we will be godly parents that will reflect the Lord's love in our relationship with one another and with our children.

Sorry this post isn't the greatest.  I've been insanely sick this week, but I wanted to update before I went to bed.  Thanks for praying for us.  We truly love you all.  (Feel free to send your tips for relaxing!  Where do you go/what do you do?)

Saturday Excursions

Phillip's work schedule has him settling into a new sleeping pattern.  One that leaves us with limited time to do things together.  He gets home every morning around 5:30, so he sleeps from 7ish to early/mid afternoon.

The same was true on Saturday.  I grow bored easily, so I called my parents to see if they were up to anything.  I really had an itch for fresh veggies.  So I asked if they wanted to go to McLeod Farms with us.  I ran and woke Phillip from his slumber.

We left and headed on down to SC.  We had a great lunch/dinner at a local restaurant.  We toured the museum down there.  It would be heaven for the American Pickers (we are addicted to all of the dorky shows on the History Channel).  We bought a half bushel of peaches, squash, cucumbers, and fresh blackberries.  Oh how I love summer!

My mom asked if we wanted to go to Santee.  Now, Santee is no where near McLeod Farms.  So we headed out across the middle of nowhere.  Now, I love South Carolina.  I do not like their RIDICULOUS drivers and road construction.  We passed a sign that said, "Road Construction Next 22 Miles = 25 mph."  WHAT?!  Are you kidding me?  Twenty some odd miles at 25 miles an hour.  I am sure people on the Oregon Trail got to go faster (I know my little buffalo in elementary school scurried across the screen faster than 25 mph). 

FINALLY, two and a half hours later we made it to the lake, looked around, got bitten by the state bird of South Carolina (mosquitoes), and experienced the smell of catfish.  Then headed home.  All of that fuss for not much of anything.  It was nice to spend time with my parents.  We definitely all laughed a lot...a whole lot.

Sorry - no pics.  I left the house in a rush and forgot our camera.

Rainy Creativity

During the week I spend a couple of hours nannying for a few hours.  I was due to take Taylor, the two year old, to her swim lessons.  Her instructor was due to meet us at her grandparents' house just a few minutes away.  So we pile in the stroller and I hike on up the hill. 

We get there, she is ready to go, and the instructor begins the lesson.  Her mom had looked at the weather before we left the house, the storms were still a good ways off...or so we thought.  Less than 10 minutes into the lesson we see a flash of lightning.  OUT we go!  The instructor almost immediately leaves.  I can't carry a sopping wet two year old on a 15 minute stroller ride, so I dry her off and put some clean clothes on.  No sooner did we get this accomplished than the bottom decided to drop out.  Like raining cats and dogs...and even some bunnies. 

So we seek shelter under one of the breezeway arches.  I had brought my lunch of an apple and pretzels.  I also brought Taylor's drink for the ride home.  I called her mom (who was just around the corner at the grocery store) and asked her to stop by and pick us up on the way home.  She said she was halfway through.  I said, "No biggie.  We're just hanging out!"  So I break out the pretzels and her drink.  This buys me approximately 20 minutes.  That's pretty good with a 2 year old. 

We grow bored with that, her mom calls and says she is stuck in the grocery store (there is also a newborn in this household) because she doesn't want to take the baby out to the car in the rain.  Understandable, we're having fun anyway.  We began a chorus of "Rain Rain Go Away" (despite needing it around here...I secretly apologized while singing this one), "The Itsy Bitsy Spider", etc.  We made a "rain guard wall" out of pool noodles.  This did nothing but get us soaking wet.  We caught raindrops from the ivy.  We twirled in the rain like helicopters.  Last, but not least, we used a broom and water from a puddle to write our letters on the stone pavers under the breezeway. 

It's amazing what you can come up with when forced to get creative.  I'd live that day over again anytime!

Weekends and Transitions

As previously posted, we got to keep Gavin this weekend.  I always wondered why my friends with children never went anywhere.  I know why.  It takes forever just to get into and out of a car.  We ventured to the post office, grocery store, and my parents' house on Saturday.  After being gone for two hours, we came straight back home and never left again.  We had such a good time with Gavin.  He has the most contagious smile (we're talking ear to ear)!

Typically, we would have made it to church but Gavin decided to sleep in (10:15) and Phillip's work schedule changed this weekend (effective until Labor Day weekend).  What does this mean, you might ask?  It means that he leaves the house at 6:15 PM on Sunday and returns around 5:45/6 AM on Monday.  This schedule gets repeated from Sunday through Thursday (Friday AM) unless he works on Saturday.  I am thankful for a husband that does so much to support us financially while still being there for me emotionally and spiritually.  I have so many friends that have already experienced the detrimental impact of disconnectedness, infidelity, and even divorce.  So, thank you Phillip for being such a committed husband!

I read a blog tonight about a young woman that dealt with infertility.  She was a guest writer on the blog, but she offered a few nuggets of advice for Christian women struggling with infertility:
1.  I want you to hear and believe me when I say this: God is in control.
2.  Pray for the child you are longing for.
3.  Allow yourself to hurt.
4.  Spend time becoming the parents you hope to be.

I cannot tell you how much of a proverbial slap in the face #2 was to me when I first read it.  OF COURSE!  Pray for our little blessing!  We pray for the faith to continue, for healing, for guidance, for...the list goes on.  Never, and I feel quite foolish admitting this, have we ventured into praying for our little blessing.

There are so many things to be grateful for right now, but I seem to lose sight of that every 5 minutes.  I am continually thankful for the friends and family that are making this journey with us.  Your prayers mean more with each passing day.

Prayer requests for this week:
1.  Our little blessing.  That we will be the parents the Lord wants us to be and continually reflect His patience and love in all situations.
2.  I had to return to the doctor this past Friday due to some pretty substantial lingering pain over the past week.  I have hemorrhagic cysts on both ovaries.  Healing would be wonderful as I would prefer to 1) avoid taking any other hormones/medication and 2) avoid a hospital visit all together (I don't cry when I am in pain, but my vitals go all over the place so the doctors always pop my tail into a bed for a few days). 
3.  Ease with transitioning shifts for Phillip.  The sleep schedule is just brutal.  He's been feeling poorly this weekend due to heat exhaustion.  So, fingers crossed for a better week!

Lessons in Diapering

This weekend we kept our friends' son, Gavin.  We had him a couple of times before, but never overnight.  He woke up from nap while I was cleaning, so Phillip was kind enough to take up the task of changing his diaper.  Little did I know, Phillip had no previous experience in diapering.  Apparently, he never had to help change his nieces' diapers. 

I entered the room while Phillip was examining the diaper as if it just fell out of an alien spacecraft.  The conversation below quickly followed suit:

Phillip: How can you tell the difference between the front and the back?
Kristin: The tabs always go on the back, hun.
Phillip: Oh, I think I put his diaper on backwards the last time he was here.

Poor Gavin.  At least he's providing us with the experience that we need.  Granted, I do have a very unfair advantage over Phillip.  I have been a nanny since ... well as long as I can remember.  I am sure we are in for a world of fun!

Woundings

I get several devotionals sent to me on a daily basis.  Here's a portion of one from this morning from Ransomed Heart Ministries:

The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others. When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth. "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?" they asked him. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And with that, Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9:1-7).

I am starting to see how much God wants me to hear Him.  It's the messages in the small places.  Comforting.

"If we cannot believe God when circumstances appear against us, we do not believe Him at all." ~Charles Spurgeon

Many people have commented lately that I need to post an update on our blog.  I contemplated deleting the blog all together, but I knew that wouldn't work because we have so many family and friends that are scattered about.  I wanted to get to a place where I could make some changes and be at peace about sharing some of what has been happening in our lives.  If you have access to our blog at this point, it's because we truly cherish our relationship with you and believe that you can/will share in this journey.

We intend for our blog to take a slightly different path than the "superficial" one we've been traveling on these past few years.  We will continue to post about our adventures with our pups, traveling, and families.  However, we also want to begin sharing some news and prayer requests on here.  There are currently a handful of people that are aware of our situation, but we want to keep as much of this between close personal friends as possible.  We thank you all in advance for your faithful companionship and your diligent prayers.  We know God is working behind the scenes.  Here's our story...

A little over a year ago we took our first steps towards beginning a family.  We decided that since I was still in graduate school, the situation could play out in any manner and it would essentially fit our schedule.  We were so excited about the prospects (and we still are, in a different way).

To make a very long story short, we have spent the past year and a half trying to conceive.  Much to our dismay and disappointment it has yet to happen.  We were not aware of this at the onset of this expedition, but apparently after a couple has spent a year attempting to conceive and their efforts prove futile that couple is labeled "infertile."  (There's a word you never want to hear!)  Thus began our heart wrenching path down this roller coaster called Infertility.  Anyone that truly knows me can attest to me complete infatuation and adoration when it comes to children.  I think their innocence and zeal for life is intoxicating.  Often times, I look at them and wish to have their same faith.  Phillip is wonderful with children.  Seeing him with our nieces makes my heart smile.  He's such a loving person.  With the utterance of "infertile" many of those dreams were crushed.

We were aware that something was awry.  Most couples are able to conceive within 6 months.  I promised to be honest if I announced this, so here goes... I became very depressed about the whole situation.  I never thought I would have my faith tested the way that it has been.  Honestly, for a long while, I stopped praying (and still at times find it difficult).  How do you pray when you can't conjure the words?  How do you pray when you feel so guilty about being bitter towards God?  How do you pray for something you want so badly knowing that if you leave it in the Lord's hands and He says "no" then your life will never be the same?  The questions began to drown my thoughts. 

I never let Phillip come with me to appointments, but at my last one I told him that I couldn't do it alone anymore (and he never expected me to, but my refusal prevented his previous presence).  He came with me and the doctor spoke to both of us quite candidly.

Dr. Sal (LOVE her) explained to Phillip that I have two different "diseases" so to speak.  Given one of these alone we could conceive without intervention, but it would take much longer.  Since I have both, conception alone is impossible.  I had been diagnosed with Adenomyosis when I was in college, but at that time all it meant to me was that I had severe pain.  During and after college, I was hospitalized with ovarian cysts on several occasions.  I have since been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Essentially, my 26 year old body keeps trying to kick me into menopause.  Nice right?  (Phillip likes the hot flashes, he gets to keep the house on 65!)

She gave us the option of trying one more round of fertility drugs, but if this did not work we had to go to the local fertility specialist here in Charlotte.  We just completed that last round of drugs.  Now we're holding out a little bit of hope for what could happen next.

We have no idea what the Lord has in store for us.  We are both trying to remember that this has happened for a reason.  We will attest that it has made our marriage stronger than we ever imagined possible.  I have a husband that gets up with me when I am sick at night, comforts me when I'm distraught and in tears, makes me laugh when I can't find anything to be joyous about, and most of all constantly reminds me that God has an ultimate plan for us and our desire to be parents.  I have felt incredibly guilty about everything (despite having no control over the situation), but Phillip has been so diligent in his support and love. 

We would love it if you would just keep us in your prayers.  Our next appointment is at the end of July.  We want the Lord to have His will in our lives.  We know that He will use us in a way that will surpass all of our expectations.  Phillip and I thank you in advance for all of your support.  (Mason and Gracie do too...they can't wait for more family!)

(I just realized these pics make the pups look pitiful.  No worries, both were just bored.)

Florida Vacation: The Finale

On our last full day in Florida, we decided to devote our time to St. Augustine.  We loved the drive down A1A.  It takes a bit longer, but it's so nice and peaceful.  

It was insanely toasty this day.  We walked the entire time. We didn't really plan it that way, but just decided to keep trucking instead of finding our vehicle.  These are the city gates.  They don't seem to be in this picture, but in all actuality they are quite large.  

Not far past the city gates is the oldest wooden schoolhouse in the nation.  (Pictured above.)  We had so much fun laughing at everything on this compound.  

My husband is a perpetual child.  If there is a bell, button or whistle that can make noise, he will capture the opportunity and enjoy it to the fullest extent.  This was right up his ally.  It even had a sign that said to ring it.  Another gentleman from the back of the school started laughing and said he was glad that someone's wife let him play.  Bless his heart.  

...and they think that we are tough on kids today.  I only wish these were still employed.

...and then there was a dungeon.  Really it's just an alcove under the stairs, but they actually used it as a type of "time out" during the school day.  

Phillip's mom bought us a new camera before our trip.  We loved it.  We played with the macro settings a lot!

We visited a lot of places in St. Augustine.  It's a big place to try to conquer in a day, but we did our best.  Here's one of the places.  It's the oldest house in the nation.  

This is the kitchen from the house.  It had a really nice courtyard.  We enjoyed looking around, but I declared at this location that I would have been a terrible woman.  Wool...in those houses...in that heat (and humidity).  Can we say HECK NO?

So we have taken a liking to lighthouses lately.  I think their symbolism is powerful.  If we are near one, we will climb it.  There was a storm brewing when we pulled up here, but we went in and asked if they were still allowing guests up.  They said that we should hurry.  Sure, no prob, we'll run up a lighthouse.  Ok I don't know about what everyone else did in high school, but our P.E. teachers believed in stadium runs.  This is the only thing comparable (and much worse) than stadium runs.  The lighthouse has windows on both sides.  Going up was amusing.  On the west side there was no air blowing in, on the east it felt like the old fans my parents had to keep their greenhouses cool.  About halfway up you could feel the swaying and the wind was really whipping.  We got to the top and they said, "Sorry folks!  It's closed until the wind dies down.  We're getting readings of 50 mph."  We look at one another, take a deep breath, and with shaky knees, we headed down.  We got down, looked around the keepers house, and then they announced we could go back up.  HA!  We were willing and we could have made it back up, but coming down the stairs would have never happened.  So they kindly gave us a rain check and we headed back up A1A. 

Phillip reading the memorial bell under pretty trees.

Phillip and I spent our last night walking on the beach.  We like to search for crabs.  Phillip found some!

These are two of the little ones.  The first few were in a fight.  

Meredith is petitioning for this picture to be used as our Christmas card.  Befitting.  

Did I mention that we loved the macro on this camera?  Our rings on the beach and part of our hotel in the back.

Florida, we would like to thank you for our very hot, very enjoyable beach vacation!

Florida Vacation: Part II

We finally made it to SeaWorld.  We spent 9 hours walking around this place and still didn't see all there was to see.  It was CRAZY hot, but we had such a great time!

Phillip liked the sharks...a lot.

  We loved the shows.  Highly recommend them!

 

We also got to feed and pet the dolphins.  I think this was probably our favorite part. Phillip loved seeing me touch a fish for the first time.

 

 

This picture is slightly unclear, but if you look behind the mother there is a 12 day old baby!  So precious!

 

The day after SeaWorld we gave our feet a rest and took up horseback riding on the beach.  Then we got really lazy and just lounged.  The water was really clear and cool where we rode, so it made for a fun day!

We loved some of the decor on the streets of Atlantic Beach! 

There are so many great restaurants all within walking distance of our hotel (sign pictured below).  We decided to go to The Sun Dog Cafe.  According to Meredith, this place was featured on Food Network's Dives Diners and Drive-Ins.  I was skeptical, but oh my heavens, it was amazing!  I detest almost any type of seafood, but this place made the most amazing flounder and steamed veggies.