About two weeks after our last appointment, I had to go back to the doctor. Something wasn't right. I was having insanely sharp stabbing pains on my right side. I wanted to make sure that nothing was terribly wrong. A few hours and one ultrasound later, I walk out with hemorrhagic ovarian cysts on not one but both ovaries. Now I am all about "staying calm and keep going," but this visit had me a little worried for a few reasons:
1) Ovarian cysts, of any size, typically hurt. If they rupture it's bad new bears for all involved (especially potential kiddos). The doctor normally gives me a hormone that makes them shrink, but you can't take hormones when you don't know if you are expecting or not.
2) I babysit several times a week. If you now anything about little people, you are aware that they believe anything larger than their wee-little bodies is an operable jungle gym. This means at any given time I have at least two children jumping with or on me. I love this, but it's dangerous when cysts get to a certain point...I was well past that point.
3) The doctor told me that the clomid probably caused both cysts, but that there was also a good chance that I ovulated out of both ovaries. Holy multiple babies Batman...I mean Doc! (Insert panic/excitement here.)
We continued on about life. Granted, I was quite foolish this time. I thought that since there was a chance for twins, that meant there was a really great chance for at least one baby! Right? Simple logic. My hopes were WAY up high in the air. I even went as far as to pick out how I would tell my wonderful husband when I had a positive test. (I know, I know...bad idea.) However, it's odd how circumstances on a dark, stormy night can become so clear and optimistic with one little ray of light.
After taking quite a few tests on several different days, I had my moment...my complete and total breakdown moment. I finally told Phillip that they were all negative. As usual, Phillip swoops in with a hug and says, "Maybe next time." Ok, maybe God has us together for a reason because this man is the epitome of an eternal optimist. I have not one optimistic bone in my body...not one. (I'm willing to submit an x-ray for proof.) Once again, we are back at square one. Lesson learned: no more planning for something that hasn't happened yet.
We decided to take a month off of this whole process, the stress, the drugs, etc. It's a lot. My body, physically speaking, lays siege to everything near and dear. It's quite torturous...I'd imagine what morning sickness is like except it lasts all day and then add a lot of cramping and bloating along with that just for fun. Emotionally, it's hell. There's nothing else that can possibly describe it. Aside from the typical "what if" questioning, the uncertainties are compounded with the knowledge that nothing is in your control. I would (and did on several occasions) start crying at ABSOLUTELY nothing. This is one of the most infuriating parts about it all. I loathe being the little damsel in distress. Which, in turn, means that I detest crying. How weak does that make me look? But crying over a missing bowl in the kitchen??? Hello! Crazy woman clean-up on Aisle 1! I mean come on. (The bowl was in the dish washer, for all of you concerned readers.)
So here we sit. I am actually excited about having a month for just us. We need it. Phillip isn't ready to talk about adoption, he thinks this will happen for us. I am at a place where I want to limit the cycles of clomid because I can't handle it all anymore. I had to go to the doctor (PCP) this past week because I am sick as a dog. He asked about medicines, so Phillip explained everything to him. He is a fun guy. Phillip likes to talk about hunting with him. He said, "Let me give you a little bit of advice. Your body is in freak out mode. So stop. (I wanted to slap him here.) It's doing the same thing it'd do if you were lost in the jungle starving to death: stressing. When you are stressed things don't do their job. So relax." Ok, so he has a point. I am in stress mode, but HELLO I've been driving in this gear for 26 years now!!! How can I just jump from rabbit to turtle mode? (Do you guys remember the old lawn mowers that had those as the speeds? My Dad had one...haha.) This month will be my attempt at relaxing. Mind you, I did not say optimism. Just relaxation. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Prayer Requests:
1) Health - Today is the first day in a week that I have not had a fever. So far, it is also been the first day I have able to hold down food on my own. We spent Saturday at the hospital hooked up to IV bags and getting CT scans. I'm finally starting to be a little more coherent. I think in a few more days, I'll be doing good.
2) Sleep - Poor Phillip has been up with me a lot. I know what sleep he has been able to get probably hasn't been decent. I hope he can catch up this week.
3) Relaxation - Maybe I can take lessons from Phillip. I just hope we can just enjoy each other's company this month and focus on something else besides what has been going on.
4) Our little bean - However it is he/she comes to us, that we will be godly parents that will reflect the Lord's love in our relationship with one another and with our children.
Sorry this post isn't the greatest. I've been insanely sick this week, but I wanted to update before I went to bed. Thanks for praying for us. We truly love you all. (Feel free to send your tips for relaxing! Where do you go/what do you do?)
No comments:
Post a Comment